high highs and low lows

Well hello there. I know it has been days, weeks, even months, since I last updated this thing. There are numerous factors that have kept me from even thinking about wasting 30 minutes of my time to write a blog about myself. They are as follows:

-1O scholars.

That's right, scholars. I do not call my class students. The very first day of school I informed my class that this year, as 7th graders, we would now be scholars. This means that my class will act more mature than they did in 6th grade and from here on out they would work even harder than they had before. So there you have it, 10 little scholars keep me busy nearly 24/7. 10 scholars who have become used to my "no shortcuts, no excuses" motto and my class wide Positive Mental Attitude (PMA).

These 10 scholars have surely given me a run for my money. I have yet to master the necessary ability of planning ahead, and instead I am scrapping by day by day. With each day beginning at 5:30am and ending at 11:30pm on a good night I feel as if I am barely surviving. Planning hours of lessons for Math, English Language Arts, Social Studies, a homeroom period and now an elective, occupy every minute of my time. Even sitting here now, hazy-eyed on a Friday night, I have this feeling of anxiety knowing I should really be reading over Reader's Response Journals and entering grades into an online database. Welcome to my new life. If there is one word I can think of to describe the way I feel I would go with anxiety.

Now I know what you are saying, "Planning? Oh come on man, that sounds easy!" Well, I'd hate to break it to you- it sounds much easier said than done. It's planning multiple lessons for a range of multiple intelligences. I work in a self-contained classroom educating 10 students with special needs. This has a wide range of implications varying from emotional disturbances to extremely low reading levels most likely due to dyslexia. Not a day goes by when I don't have the hardest time of my life calming a student down simply to have them stop screaming and slamming their notebook on their desk, or having outbursts of students claiming bed bugs. Their personal difficulties have become both my difficulties and the difficulties of my classroom. Every four seconds it seems like someone is calling someone else a name, or someone is threatening to smack someone else up, or someone is becoming increasingly defiant. (As I type this I realize this description is not even a glimpse into what it's like, but it also makes me sound super whiny.) I have had students judge me, compare me or jump to conclusions about me more times than I can keep track. I'm now Jewish, too boring to possibly be Dominican, sweaty, cheesy, hair, old and "tight" (tight no longer means the same, "Oh man that's tight," that it did in the '90's. Instead it means something like uptight, stupid, "whack".) And just to give you some insight into the complex thought process of my students they often act like this or tell me these things one second, then the next they breakdown, cry or tell me that they misbehave for attention. It's insane. Just when I think things are going pretty smoothly, BOOM! I'm back to square one correcting behavior and having to raise my voice. Needless to say these variations of behavior and attitude have had an effect on me.

In the past two months I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride that I never imagined when I decided to chase my dreams of becoming a teacher in the big city and fighting the good fight against educational injustice. I would be lying if I said I didn't have to face a feeling of depression and anxiety I have never felt before. A mixture of feeling lost in the big city, homesick, stressed out, overwhelmed and worn thin have all added to this insane trip I've been on. Worrying every waking second about how well my lessons will turn out for the next day, or how I can help my students to learn better has really taken it's toll. I've cried, I've had to convince myself to keep going and I've even given myself pep talks in the school bathroom mirror to reassure myself that I can and will do this.

Despite how rough it seems on a daily basis and how terrible I may have made it sound from my above description, it is worth every minute of it. To see the look on a students face when they see how easy it is to find out if two ratios form a proportion, or to have the kids laugh when you teach a whole ELA lesson in your best NYC accent are just two incidences of what keeps me going. These two incidences are perfect examples of what I have realized will help me make it through. Small things. Small things. Small things. I can not do everything, but I can try my damn best. So with a new found attitude of knowing that I am doing the best that I can things have been much better. I know I am doing the best I can because I show up every day. I show up every day and greet my scholars at the door and I ask them to share one positive thing that happened to them the day before. That, in and of itself, is a first step in the right direction.

When you have had a student look you in the eyes and tell you that they pray for you everyday because they know what you're doing is not easy, it is a fullproof ticket to ensure that there is no turning back now. So there you have it. Two months in to my new life and I am just as confused and invested as I was the last time I wrote a post.

Thanks for reading. Much of this may not make any sense because I am falling asleep on my couch, but eh oh well.

Yours,
-Mr.